Pinch

I don't have it worked out just yet. Not really sure I ever will, but hey, at least I'm working on it, right? My anxiety about time has reared it's head again. I'm worrying about possible wasted time, about how much time I have to finish the things I want to accomplish. I'm always so very aware of how little time we have here in our one great ride through the universe, and it's never enough. It never will be enough for me, because I know that one day it will end, and in a limited lifetime, I just can't imagine experiencing all that there is to know in this world.

I'm not okay with that. People say they are, that they've come to terms with death, but I don't think I believe them. How can you? How can you look at all the possibility afforded us in this world, see all that we can possibly do, and be at peace with it ending? With all those possibilities completely taken from you?

Agh. The trick, I guess, is to live it as much as you can, to enjoy it, to live it to it's fullest. If I'm spending all this time dreading the end and worrying about lost opportunities or the unknown tomorrow, aren't I taking today for granted? Knowing that's it's so limited, you'd think it'd be a constant reminder to be grateful for each and every moment I have. After all, if I could live forever, it would be an infinite array of Now, of this moment right now, and I wouldn't know that it would last forever or end abruptly until it happened... or didn't.

I have a friend who is almost always happy. Not ecstatic for no reason at all, but generally enjoying life. I like having him around. He smiles at everything and reminds me that there is no reason not to. He works a lot, but likes to play, and when he does, he doesn't work. When he works, he still smiles, and laughs when he is busy. He takes great joy in little things like cookie dough or a good photo opportunity. Of course, he's not always happy, but life isn't always joyful. He seems to deal with that okay too. I should learn from him. I should smile more often and let these little worries roll off my back. Each and every one of them are trivial really.

I had a family member die recently, and all his little worries or trivial problems, well they measured up to what they were: just about nothing. I'm sure he had his own little stack of them, but I doubt anyone even knows to pick them up to keep worrying about them for him. Seeing his body brought me closer to death, seeing someone who was a part of my life muted so quickly scared me. It wasn't difficult for someone to die. It's so easy, and for the simplest of reasons. And that's that; you're dead. End of story.

So that didn't really help my anxiety about the whole thing, but it did help put things in perspective. It helped reaffirm that I should keep doing what I'm doing, and continue focusing on what's actually important to me, and that all the little obsticles in the way are part of the story, but not all that scary or difficult. Not when seen from a certain perspective.

So that's what I'm focusing on right now.

I guess this is a bit of a moody blog. Probably my most personal blog yet. Tonight I spent some time alone, which hasn't happened for a while, and when I drew this came out. It felt good, and it kinda helped. I can see my anxiety in it, and until I drew this, I wasn't all that aware that it was there.

I might do something more with this drawing later.